Look to the Children

Bucket list item #14: Beat up my inner child
Date Completed: March 22, 2012

Your inner child is a jerk. Don't forget that. Like most children, he wants you to spend all your money, you can't understand a thing he says and you have to carry him around all the time. I'm told it's a common practice to listen to your inner child in times of need or when you reach an impasse in your life. That's what happened to me on March 22, of 2012.

I had come to an impasse. My life was more or less beginning to stall; skydiving with supermodels was becoming less and less interesting by the day and I found myself in a job I wanted out of. That is to say, I didn't hate my job, it was rather quite good. I made good money and I liked my co-workers. But I was sick of it, sick of the place and the people. My own natural tendency to run from boredom was catching up with me, and I was ready to blow my own brains out just for a change of scenery.

My dad, the genius philosopher that he is, was the one to give me the idea to look inside myself for inspiration to see what it was that I should do with my life. I never really was the one to discuss with myself, inner monologues were for novels and bad movies. The advice was sound though so I gave it a try.

I forgot what a cute kid I was; what happened? To inform a little, the inner sanctum of my mind looks similar to the setting of Poe's “The Raven,” dark and spooky and always in perpetual stormy-weather. Why?

Because fuck you, it's my inner sanctum.

There my inner child sat, in a large comfy bean bag chair; which I thought was a little counter-intuitive to the overall design of the place. He sat there, lording over me the youth he still had, as if he thought it was something I still yearned for.

I told him of my problem, and after spending two hours playing Whomp 'Em on his NES, he finally responded with a simple “Huh?”

So, I jacked that asshole in the gut.

Here I was pouring my heart out and he doesn't even listen to me. Yes, I understand the irony and that he was only reflecting my own personal habit to ignore the plight of others. You're going to have to trust me when I say he was just being a dick and ignoring me. Anyways, he cried and cried for a good while before finally calming down. It was real embarrassing.

So, I tell him to help me out and give me some advice. He looked me up and down, gave some real thought to what he was going to say. He asked me to bend down to him and look him in the eyes. I did of course, I wanted this over with, places to be and what not. He held my head in his hands and shook it a little.

And then he farted in my face.

Later that day, I had called my dad and thanked him for the advice. He asked me what I came up with. I stalled for a second, leaving an awkward silence over the receiver.

“I'm never having kids.”